


Keep Your Eyes On Me (it's just wrong enough to make it feel right)

by Dreadfulnorepinephrine



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Slow Burn, Song: Sparks Fly (Taylor Swift), Soulmate AU, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, an excuse to write cute meddison banters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27737473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreadfulnorepinephrine/pseuds/Dreadfulnorepinephrine
Summary: Meddison Soulmate AUThere’s risk and danger written all over the signs between them and yet, there’s something alluring about it. Something that draws her in like she’s metal being pulled by magnet.Or the one where your eyes glows when you're you're around your soulmate.
Relationships: Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery
Comments: 38
Kudos: 87





	1. I. The Way You Move Is Like A Full On Rainstorm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I thought it'd be fun to spice the meddison tag up with some magic.
> 
> So this is completely AU, I tried to make the setting as close to what happens on the show as possible. Characters may be a bit OOC but I really do hope you enjoy!
> 
> Sidenote: this is written to be a one shot for now but I might continue depending on my mood and the feedback I get.

**i.** _the way you move is like a full on rainstorm_

**_________________**

Meredith Grey isn't a hopeless romantic per say, or at least, she doesn't want to think that she is but if you asked her if she believes in the idea of having soulmates and soul marks, she'd tell you you're crazy not to believe in them in a heartbeat.

Don't get her wrong, she's not one of those crazy soulmates fanatics that will go berserk on the theory but she does believe in it religiously. What's the point in believing in love if you can't believe in the magic and destiny of it?

After all, love moves in mysterious ways doesn't it?

So no, she's not a hopeless romantic, just an optimistic, believing in love and destiny, kind of person.

So when she meets Derek and studies his charming, soft eyes, she believes it's fate. That if today was a perfect full moon and she's looking at his eyes as if to read the story of his soul, time would inevitably stop for them and his eyes will glow as he gives her his signature smile, in full slow motion with the most dramatic and romantic background.

Especially in the setting they found themselves in, slight drizzle of the rain pouring from outside, just enough to make this a romantic and not disruptive. His eyes are studying her like she's this intricate goddess with the never ending captivating details. 

As naive and childish as it sounds, she fully expects fate and destiny to just sweep her off her feet and onto Derek Shepherd's strong, protective arms. 

It didn't matter if his eyes remained in dull colours tonight, Meredith, the not so hopeless romantic, Grey will still believe he's her soulmate at this very moment.

Except, when it happens. 

When _she_ shows up all intimidating long legs, strutting with so much conviction, so much confidence as if she owns the place in her dark tinted shades covering what is surely a piercing beautiful eyes, that breaks her reverie. It's incredibly unnerving to see this woman walk.

Meredith immediately figured she'll hate this woman with her long legs and cocky smile, and she hasn't even spoken a word to her.

She takes every stride with so much menacing swagger like she's a Victoria's Secret model walking into the room in nothing but her underwear like the world is her stage and the ground is her runway. 

She makes her way towards her and Derek, not losing that annoying smirk on her face that's almost challenging Meredith to crack and just slap it off of her. It's incredibly irritating to Meredith how this woman could just waltz into the room looking like a model and smirking like she knows a secret that will destroy anything and everything Meredith knows about the world.

Meredith managed to look away and ignore the woman, focusing on what's truly important in the moment and that is her and Derek. But right now his eyes are locked onto the woman.

And without warning, the woman is right in front of them, standing so tall in front of her, making her look like a puppy in front of a bear.

Meredith turned to look back towards Derek and she can vaguely hear his half hearted apology. Was that even an apology? She's not so sure but one thing she's sure about is this woman is definitely not a stranger to him.

She can sort of hear them argue about Seattle and returning phone calls. If she's being transparent, she's not really listening to them talk but she can't stop listening either. She's much too confused and overwhelmed to even comprehend anything.

She can feel the world spinning around her. It's as if her thoughts have left her, everything doesn't make any sense. Sense makes thoughts nothing. What are thoughts even?

Before she can process any of it, the woman has taken her shades off and is sticking her hand out towards her, like some kind of sick formality is necessary for this bizarre turn of events. 

She can't help but stare dumbly at the perfectly manicured hands for a long while, contemplating on what the socially acceptable action should be in this kind of situation.

"Hi, I'm Addison Shepherd" she hears the words spoken to her like she's being forced to walk on a path of fiery charcoal in slow motion.

Meredith is about 99.98% sure the implications of that statement, that revelation.

Not high school or even med school have prepared her for this moment. Why has no class provided a lesson for what to do when your boyfriend's wife turns up and ruins your perfect night and love life? 

She's awfully unprepared for life like this and as a surgeon in the making, she's taught to always be prepared. For a moment there, a cryptic part of her mind thinks this is just a fucked up lesson Derek has conjured up for her and that all this has been Derek's way of being her Attending and teaching her an important lesson of how to be a prepared surgeon.

She takes the hand without thinking, her body moving to its own accord as if to save her from whatever dumb shit her reputation will become after this.

"Shepherd?" She asks dumbly because a part of her still can't believe this is happening to her. In real life. Full 3D and all.

Addison smiles almost kindly at her as if amused by the question, like this isn't causing some kind of major shift in her world too and maybe it doesn't, the hell should Meredith even know, she's only an intern.

Addison clicks her tongue and speaks again, "and you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband".

And at that Meredith's world crumbles. Meredith snaps her head up almost giving her a whiplash and fully meets Addison eye to eye for the first time under that night.

And the first thing she sees is her eyes.

It's perplexing, having that much colour and life in a pair of eyes so foreign and new to her. Meredith is almost too certain this isn't the eyes of a normal person.

Colours dancing around in her irises, almost like there's a story being told behind all of it. How can something that small have that much to say? Let alone an organ that cannot even produce sound. It should not be able to convey this much story but somehow, Meredith feels like she's hearing it, privy to only her and the woman before her.

It's honestly mesmerizing. Meredith is pretty sure she's not gay cuz if she is then she would totally have thoughts about how beautiful and starry those eyes are, how her body aches to reach out and stroke her cheeks, how she could just drown in the colour of her eyes forever.

And she's definitely **not** having those thoughts.

Seriously though, what's up with her eyes? It's freaking Meredith out. And why can't she seem to tear her own eyes off of them? It's crazy. It's terrifying. It's exhilarating. 

Meredith thinks she might have a concussion or something somewhere in the middle of the night, her head did a full three eighty and five and now she's crazy. She's not even a surgeon in training yet, she doesn't know how to diagnose acute brain damage like that. Maybe someday, but certainly not right now at this moment.

She doesn't realize she's been staring at the woman in front of her, refusing to let go of her hand until she hears her name being called out.

She vaguely remembers Derek being in the same spot as they are, it's a bit off putting to Meredith how for a second there she almost felt like the world only had her, the dirty mistress and Addison, the wronged wife in it when only a few minutes ago she'd daydreamt about wanting to be the only person McDreamy sees in the moment.

She doesn't hear Derek's voice calling for her, she hears Addison's soft voice call out her name like it's a fragile porcelain being transported from a flight of stairs to Mars.

She realized Addison has caught her name through Derek calling out hers earlier and it strangely felt serene to her, hearing Addison enunciate the syllables of her name. As if her voice and her lips were meant to say her name from the beginning. 

She eventually snaps out of her long ass reverie and actually looks at Addison's worried eyes and it's-

Glowing.

Her eyes is glowing. That's weird. Almost hilariously weird. Why is it glowing like that? Is she sick?

"Are you okay?" She hears Addison ask and somehow, she thinks it's funny to hear this woman asking the same exact question she wants to ask.

She shoots Addison a look and ignores Derek's background worried noises. Something about bringing her back into the hospital or taking a seat, whatever it was Derek was blabbering about, it certainly went ignored by the two.

Like a lightbulb over her head has switched on, Meredith realizes something.

Glowing. Eyes. Glowing Eyes. Glowing Fucking Eyes.

The woman in front of her, Derek Shepherd's wife, Addison Shepherd's eyes are glowing. Right in front of her. Right at **her**.

Feeling the heat of realization creeping up at her, she feels nausea building up in her esophagus, begging to be released.

No. No. **No**. No. No. It can't be. It has to be a mistake. She isn't supposed to see her eyes glow like that. That's not supposed to happen with her and with anyone not named Derek Shepherd. And especially not with Derek Shepherd's wife.

This has got be a joke. A mistake. A prank. Is she in an episode of punk'd right now?

This isn't how her destiny is supposed to work out. It was supposed to be romantic. Like a confession with dozens of roses in Derek's hands as he asks her to dance with him.

This wasn't romantic at all. Not even in the slightest. This is her boyfriend's wife for fuck's sake, what could be more unromantic than that?

This is not how she pictured it to be. His eyes were supposed to glow for her tonight, not her's.

Meredith looks away, clears her throat, takes her hand from Addison as if the contact is physically burning her and she steps as far away back as she can from the two Shepherds.

"I-" she begins as she looks at anywhere but Addison, her throat is too dry to speak full coherent sentences right now. 

She clears her throat and tries again, "I have to go" she says as she hurries away, not daring to look at either of the people in front of her. 

This is too overwhelming for her, she needs a place where she can get away and breathe.

She can hear Derek trying to chase after her, maybe to explain the situation, thinking that she's upset about him keeping his wife a secret and yes, she is upset at that but this isn't just about him anymore. This is way bigger than that, something she's afraid he'll never understand and she can't deal with this, not right now.

"Meredith, let me explain" Derek tries as he stumbles towards Meredith, guilt and regret evident in his tone.

Meredith turns around and stops him from taking any step further, "Don't. Just-" she inhales, as if preparing for an outburst but it never comes so she just exhales, exasperated and says "Please leave me alone." Her voice cracks as she takes one final glance towards the woman who's invaded not only her night but her entire life not even with so much as a little warning.

Addison is staring at her like a deer caught in the headlights and it is enough for Meredith to understand that they both are thinking and feeling the same thing. She turns away and turns back around stepping into the rain as George slips in covering her with his umbrella and taking her home.

Derek turns back around to a still stunned Addison and angrily says, "Are you happy now?" He storms past her, not giving her the chance to reply as he walks off into the distance, but she couldn't even be bothered by it.

This is so much bigger and messier than Derek right now and Addison could not find two shits to give at Derek's retrieving form. Much like the last time she's seen him like that.

And she should at least feel something, like how awful she felt as she sat there, frozen as she watched Derek walk out of their room after finding her and Mark together but this time, Addison could not even find it in herself to feel anything about it when all she could think about is not the guilt but the girl that was in front of her mere minutes ago.

Her eyes, they were glowing, Addison thinks as she looks off into where Meredith's car has sped towards.

Addison likes to think she's a romantic. She likes to plan dates, she likes to cook for her dates, she wants to be the one to propose, she believes there is no gender assignments to intimate celebrations such as a marriage proposal. If she could turn back time, she would definitely have beaten Derek to the punch and proposed first. She loves receiving romantic gifts and even more so giving them.

She's what you would call a hopeless romantic maybe if it weren't for the fact that she absolutely hates the idea of destiny and fate. 

She believes love should be something you work towards. Something to build with significant time and effort spent with and for someone. 

Love cannot be magic and destiny. Love needs time to build and work.

So yes, Addison is a hopeless romantic, but she is also a logical, believing in the careful creation of love by two people, kind of person.

So when her mind wanders back to Meredith's eyes, she couldn't help but laugh at the messiness of it all and curse at the sky.

"Damn you. Like hell am I gonna be a slave to bullshit destiny" she whispers to the full moon above as she walks into the rain and thunder shakes the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you've mustered up enough patience in this world to finish this, thank you and I hope you enjoyed this trainwreck. 
> 
> I haven't proofread this nor have I even taken a second read through at it and it's about 2am where I am right now so there were most definitely chaotic mistakes in there. Sorry about that. I'm not a writer (I'm a developer), I just really wanted to see a soulmate AU for this ship.


	2. II. And I'm a House of Cards

**ii.** _and i'm a house of cards_

**_________________**

Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd may not be the perfect partner or a perfect cook or a perfect wife, but one thing she’s most certainly damn near perfect at is her work. She’s irrefutably one of the best neonatal surgeons, obstetrics and gynecologists in the country. 

And she takes great pride in her success in the medical field.

She’s practically lived and dreamt of being a doctor since she was in her mother's womb. Ever since she was a little girl she was taught to eat, sleep, and breathe in surgery. She practically learned the human anatomy before she could even learn the alphabet all thanks to the work of The Captain Montgomery.

Control had been a big part of Addison’s life. Control was something her father has insistently instilled upon her. She needs to be in control over any and every situation she is in. 

The problem is, Addison is naturally impulsive with questionable decision making skills. Which means that she’s almost as good at handling life as Scrat chasing his acorn in the ice age movie is. Which is probably quite telling given the fact that her comfort film is Ice Age and her comfort characters are Scrat and Sid. 

But the OR is a different story. In the OR, Addison Montgomery is the boss. She has complete control of her motor senses, she’s able to think the most rationally and she’s able to make life altering decisions seamlessly.

She’s at her best in the OR. She’s in her most control. If only life could be a one big operating room for Addison.

Like any other sane person in the world, she hates feeling like she has no control over some parts of her life, she’s the type to desperately cling onto a sliver of hope that she could somehow control an uncontrollable event or situation but unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. There are things that can take a turn and cannot be reversed.

Like cheating on her husband with his best friend. 

Sure, Addison had the option of control over the situation. She could have not slept with Mark and she and Derek could still be living in New York and her marriage could have still been strong and happy for more than a decade now.

Of course the “happy” part is a lie, she’d be miserable. She was miserable with Derek because he was absent in most of their marriage despite both being surgeons which led to her affair with Mark. 

And yes, this is her lame attempt at justifying her unjustifiable actions and yes, she could have had control over the situation if she had taken a more adult approach like communicating with her husband about their underlying marital issues at hand but of course, that’s not what happened and what's done is done and now she’s completely lost all control.

Another thing that could become irreversible if she takes the wrong approach is her decision to book the first flight to Seattle after she’s gotten a call to scrub in at Seattle Grace Hospital, and in an effort to win back her husband where immediately thereafter, she gets the hellacious revelation of one Meredith Grey.

This is not to say a bombshell was dropped on Addison with the Derek dating Meredith thing, in fact, she’d known about Meredith before she'd even set foot in Seattle.

And even more facts, she has done her best research on the girl and had even used a fraction of her trust fund (meaning, she paid Amelia $100 to stalk Meredith on Facebook or Myspace or whatever) to dig up the dirtiest of dirts she could get about this young woman. It was nothing personal, she just wanted to make sure she had a good look on Meredith’s good looks before she executed her plan.

She had to come prepared for the day she would inevitably come face to face with the girl her husband is currently busying himself with. 

Addison Forbes Montgomery refuses to crack and lose without a fight, not even in her labouring, dying breath. 

This is all about control. She had to take control over the situation.

And she had control over the situation. She had a plan. She would put this girl in her place and take back what is rightfully hers. It was the perfect plan with a perfectly crafted execution.

So when she stepped out of her cab to saunter over to her husband and his side chick, making sure to suck in all the confidence there is in the world, so that her presence becomes more daunting to the blonde than she’s ever felt in her life, she didn’t expect to lose her cognitive abilities altogether and that sucks major ass because she was planning to use it for the menacing speech she’s practiced over and over until her throat dried out, her lips cracked and her place reeked of exhausted saliva.

If Seattle had been struck by a devastating 8.5 magnitude earthquake that night, Addison is sure she would 100% still be able to do everything she had planned point blank at her husband's current dirty golden locks wet dream.

She had her plan laid out. She had an itinerary for fuck's sake, everything was supposed to go smoothly!

She had every case scenario written, she had every kind of comebacks for every kind of question and statements she’d be met with, memorized and practiced. She had a solution to everything, well, apparently not everything but most things!

Nothing could have ever made her feel as terribly out of control as that night.

Meredith Grey; Derek Shepherd’s girlfriend; Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd’s husband’s stupid younger, prettier and maybe sexier girlfriend; Meredith Grey's eyes had glown in front of her and for **her** as she shook her hand. It is unmistakable.

Some part of Addison almost wishes Meredith and Derek were only messing with her that night and that they knew her plan all along.

But, Addison is Addison and she hates being outsmarted and she knows Derek and Derek is not a very bright person when it comes to life decisions and analysis which they both have in common so she rules out that possibility. And besides, with the way Meredith looked like she was about to rip her eyes sockets in half by how much she had it wide open, she knew Meredith didn't know any better.

Poor girl, Addison thought. She almost felt awful for the younger woman. It must've been incredibly overwhelming to find out that you're nothing more than a mistress to the man you're currently infatuated with and not to mention that his wife turns up and accidentally makes your eyes glow like, well, like a flash of a coloured LED light... almost. 

Addison has not been living under a rock and she’s most certainly not naive or stupid, she knows the implications of eyes glowing when met eye to eye with another person. She’s heard every story there is to hear about it.

Her friends loved to gush about soul marks and soulmates, her family often talked about it, Amelia gushed to her about how she can feel that every crush she has in every month is going to be her soulmate, her father has made claims about how that theory is a child play distraction to every other theories in medicine and how it is not worth anybody's time to even think about stupid things like that, her mother, however, loved the idea of soulmates. She thought it was the most romantic thing in the world and would roll her eyes at her father and whisper to herself, "have no regrets and always choose romance".

So yeah, it’s safe to say she has adequate knowledge of the phenomenon. 

It's not rocket science: you meet someone and their eyes glow or your eyes glow or both your eyes glow and boom, there you have it, congratulations, you’re soulmates.

She thinks it's utterly bullshit and completely unfair for the universe or God or whoever/whatever to just put unsuspecting strangers together for no reason at all and claim they’re soulmates meant for each other.

To manipulate them into believing it is destiny and that there are no other people for them but the person already pre assigned to them. That there is no chance of them finding love in their own way because, hey, this is their destiny after all.

It comes as no surprise to her that a “surprising” amount of recorded data of "soul bound" partners find themselves in a destructive relationship often needing couples therapy to work and some don’t even work in the end.

What does come as a surprise to her is how these people have described their attachment to their soulmates despite having a trainwreck for a relationship.

_Bound_ . _Connected_ . _Inevitable_ . _Love_ . _Incredible_. These are just some of the common words extracted from all the recorded data of people who have experienced this phenomenon describing what it feels to be with their “soulmates”. 

It's stupefying to Addison. She doesn't think she'll ever understand it. And most of all, she doesn’t think she’ll ever understand why people love the concept so much that they’d even go on a chase around the world to find it.

In spite of all this and contrary to what people may believe, Addison does not hate the idea of soulmates and soul marks. The safest word to describe her feelings about it is **indifference**. 

So why is it that she can’t stay indifferent about Meredith and her big fucking green or whatever fucking colour her eyes is, because Addison definitely hasn’t studied it or anything, glowing that night? Sure, it’s a big deal, she could be her soulmate or whatever but that moment is over and she could choose to ignore it. 

But, Meredith Grey and her glowing fucking eyes makes her feel out of control. And it’s a feeling that she hates the most.

So she decides right then and there that, by the process of elimination, she hates Meredith Grey and her big glowing eyes.

She will not be the girl who’s going to run away from her problems, especially not from the root of it. In fact, she’s determined to face it.

She is determined to take back what Meredith Grey has taken from her that night. She’ll have her control back.

This is how and why Meredith Grey found herself under Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd’s services for the rest of the day or, as Meredith would like to call it, a day of torture in the burning pits of hell.

This feels an awful lot like punishment to Meredith. Like she's in some purgatory land, stuck in eternal repentance for her slutty sins.

She has to work with the wife of the guy she was falling in love with and who is **also** potentially her one and only soulmate. Because you can’t have two right?

A part of Meredith thinks that maybe what happened that night was just some sick fever dream and that she's not actually "soul bound" to the woman married to the man she had once thought would be her stamp at forever.

As she rounded the corner to the hallway where she would be sure to find the Attendings, she overhears a snippet of their conversation and in a surge of sudden unexpected determination and confidence, Meredith stood straight in front of Dr. Burke, Dr. Shepherd and most importantly, the one Dr. She-Shepherd who shall not be named.

If she is going to suffer today, might as well do it with conviction and class. She is not backing away without a fight. 

"I was just checking to see if Dr. Burke secured the-"

Before she could let Addison finish her sentence, she interrupted to finish it for her.

"-intern you requested" Meredith said as she stepped closer to the three attendings, looking at everyone but Derek, who is visibly squirming in his own discomfort. 

"He did" Meredith nodded and as if on cue, Burke and the male Shepherd walked away, leaving just Addison and Meredith in a standoff in the hall.

Addison is smirking at her as if everything is going according to her diabolically evil plan and Meredith surely will not be the one to cower away this time as she holds the older woman's gaze, almost challenging her.

Both are incredibly thankful for the fact that it seems like the soul mark effect has not kicked in yet. 

It would be a really inappropriate time to have those little shits act up now, especially in the space where their coworkers could walk in and see it at full display. How embarrassing would that be for the two?

They are both aware that soul marks only take effect at random, unpredictable times for another 29 different circumstances.

Which means that they have to be careful when looking eye to eye until the 29th countdown is over.

Addison had Meredith in her service to work with the case of Miss Phillips and her conjoined twins. Addison had put Meredith on the spot, testing her knowledge in TTTS and its definition, giving her little to no room to answer. It’s petty and immature, Meredith thinks.

Meredith is pretty sure Dr. Montgomery Shepherd is only doing this to rile her up and stumble her and she's doing one hell of a job because for some reason all that surge of confidence has left her body and replaced it with a puddle of mess.

As Addison had moved on from her wretched attacks on Meredith, she begins to inform Miss Phillips of her surgery. 

She coolly appoints Meredith to be her primary doctor for the day insinuating the fact that Meredith is one of the popular interns in the hospital. 

Meredith, in an effort to mend her broken ego and to claim her confidence back, glared at Addison the entire time all the way out of the patient's room where she endlessly complained to the redhead.

"I could have given you the answer had you given me the chance" she says, following Addison out of the room but still within earshot of the patient.

Addison rolled her eyes and turned around to face the shorter woman behind her. She makes sure to groan loudly at the intern to let her know the inconvenience her whining is causing to which she receives an eyeroll and an even more intense glare from the girl.

"Chin up, Grey." Addison begins half heartedly, clearly not meaning what she's saying. She's a little petty like that.

"I'm this tough on everyone, not just the women who my husband sleeps with" she continues with a sly smirk as if she was delivering a punchline to a terribly written joke as she turns back around to walk away.

Meredith is left hovering the hallway, irritated as shit and dying to just pull some hair right then and there.

And luck just seems to be getting unfairly on Addison's side today because while she was running Miss Phillips' ultrasound tests, she's suddenly put in one of the most uncomfortable situations where the patient makes assumptions of shit they know nothing about in her life and now she’s accusing her of adultery and making her feel even worse than she already is.

Which, to be fair, she did have an adulterous affair but having a patient make assumptions about her life and the kind of woman that she is is uncalled for and just ruins her already shitty day.

All because Montgomery-Shepherd came to her life with a path of destruction. All because she fell for Derek's stupid little smile and his stupid McDreamy eyes that she couldn't stop thinking about. All because he had to get married to stupid Satan with her stupid sharp gaze and her stupidly annoying questions and her stupid intimidating eyes and her stupid little comebacks that only the devil would find funny.

And most of all, all because the stupid Universe and the stupid God made Addison Montgomery-Shepherd’s eyes glow in front of her that night.

She knows what she’s thinking is blasphemous and religious folks from the late 1800s would probably have their torches ready for her by now (ironically, she thanks god people can’t time travel), but who could blame her? This situation is sick and fucked up and she's having an incredibly shitty day. All she wants right now is to curl up and cry until death takes her.

She’s spent a good amount of her life wanting to meet her soulmate. Not because she’s a romantic, she doesn’t think she is. But there is a part of her that is eager to experience that kind of love and the kind of feeling knowing that she’s special to someone, that she’s wanted by someone.

All her life she's witnessed disaster and broken homes. Her parent's marriage fell apart, her father couldn't get her mother's love and so he left and abandoned her and to top it all off, she couldn’t get her mother’s love and as a result, she feels invisible to her and invisible to love. 

All her life she's dreamt of feeling loved and being deserving of love because she's never felt it. She watches the kids play with their parents outside, holding their hands, buying them ice creams, driving them to school, kissing them goodbye. Meredith has never had that. She’s never had that kind of unconditional love and it has always sent her into an irrational fit of jealousy.

How pathetic is it to be jealous of your peers’ relationships with their parents?

So sue her for wanting a fairy tale ending, for wanting to have one happy thing in her life.

And now even that seems to be ruined by her touch. She can’t seem to be getting anything good for her.

This isn't what a soulmate should feel like. This isn’t the same feelings she’s read in countless books, countless stories about magical events and romantic nights. If it is then, what are people even chasing it for?

What is so special about something only 0.005% of the world population experience if what Meredith is experiencing now is any indication of what it's like?

Meredith thinks it's unfair. It's incredibly not fair. It’s not fair to make her suffer as much as she already is. It’s not fair that her soulmate could be her boyfriend’s pretty mean wife. It’s not fair that she’s currently stuck under mean old grinch’s service, handling an incredibly rude patient and wanting to just dissipate on the spot.

She stands by the door of Miss Phillips' room, trying to get as far away back from her as possible while doing her job as a doctor. 

So she sinks further against the wall of this cramped ass room that's making her incredibly claustrophobic despite the door being open wide and escape being readily available. She's stuck and she can't move even if she wanted to.

Addison waltzes into the room minutes later, not a trace of care for the world in her features and completely oblivious to the uncomfortable tension in the room and she can't help but envy her so much for what she has that Meredith doesn’t.

She has confidence that is unmatched, the wits and smarts of a veteran surgeon, a husband that Meredith so desperately wants and legs that are to die for. 

This woman has got it all. God has gifted her with everything while she remains with nothing but a broken family and a fractured ego. It’s totally unfair.

She doesn’t dare look at Addison or the patient, she continues to stare off into the distance as she vaguely hears Addison talking to Miss Phillips but if she's being honest, she's not really listening, she just can't wait for the night to be over so that she can go home, curl up in her bedroom and maybe cry herself to sleep. It had been a long day.

Then she hears Addison's tone shift. Her ears perk up to its own accord and she can't help but be attentive to her now. 

“No, no I don’t understand” Addison says as she takes a small, intimidating step forward and turns to glance at Meredith for a brief moment and for a second there, Meredith thought she could see softness in her eyes. Meredith shakes the feeling off as soon as it comes.

“Well, she’s sleeping with your husband right?” Miss Phillips answers almost cockily and Meredith wants nothing more than to vomit on the floor right then and there.

Addison takes a sharp intake of breath, collects herself before she could lose control and snap at the woman in front of her at that very moment. Addison hates nosy people and especially the kind of nosy ass people making horrible assumptions about other people’s lives that they know nothing about.

So if she feels a little uncharacteristically bitter about this case, it’s because she hates people like Miss Phillips and she would just **love** to rip her a new one and set the record straight. She might not be the biggest fan of Meredith Grey but she plays the game fair.

Addison smiles, or maybe smirks, Meredith doesn’t quite know what it is but she knows for sure that Addison’s expression is nothing but hostile. She sees fire on the woman and if it’s not for her having a shitty day and a petty attitude, she probably would’ve intervened before Addison could say and do things she may regret later on.

“Miss Phillips,” Addison begins and pauses for dramatic effect.

Yet again, Addison surprises Meredith with her composure. Meredith can still hear the fire in her tone but Addison, being the confident scary intimidating woman that she is, speaks with so much calm in her voice it’s actually quite disconcerting to say the least.

“I lack Dr. Grey’s class” Addison says as she once again, turns around to look at Meredith, to punctuate her statement. And Meredith sees the sincerity of Addison’s eyes and it has given her a sudden surge of confidence, making her stand up straight and raise her chin a little higher.

Seeing Meredith’s change of posture, Addison smiles a little and continues, turning back to Miss Phillips who’s now wearing a confused expression, “and patience so let me set the record straight,” she begins as she prepares herself for what she’s about to admit not only to the patient but to herself and to Meredith. Even playing field.

“My husband didn’t cheat on me, I cheated on him so the wronged woman here, Dr. Grey” she states through gritted teeth, this time not bothering to look at Meredith.

"So," she continues, voice mocking, "I think you owe her one **hell** of an apology" she finishes as she stomps her way out of the door without pause, not looking at anyone or anything but the path ahead of her.

She leaves Meredith stunned for a long moment, mouth agape and mind racing.

She didn't know what to do. If she was frozen in place before, she's glued to the ground now.

Meredith is not stupid, she understands what that was. Addison is a lot of things but unfair and Meredith is realizing that just now. Don’t get her wrong, they’re not friends, they’re not even close to being acquaintances; rivals? Maybe. But one thing’s for sure:

Addison has given Meredith an even playing field and it’s up to her how she crafts her game plan.

It had been a long and awful day for Meredith and her shift is just now finally ending for the day. If she had even an ounce of energy right now, she would be sprinting out of that goddamned hospital and probably would have recklessly drove out of there already. (Reckless driving is wrong, drive safely!)

But since she knows her body is at its limit and driving half alive would be a death sentence and a possible baggage she has no energy to ever deal with, she’s settled on sitting on the bench, drooling on her coat, waiting for Cristina to come up and drive her home. Izzie and George are still on their shifts and Cristina is her person so it’s only natural to ask her person to chaperone her until she can safely land on her bed.

If this was any other day before **that** night, it would have been Derek that she’d think to call first to take her home.

She was about to doze off and land face first on the ground when strong arms caught her before she could make an impact with the floor. For a second there she thought it had been Derek but she hears the sharp intimidating voice saying, “Jesus, Dr. Grey what the hell? I know you love sleeping around but making out with the floor is probably the last thing I thought you’d do.” and she perks up and suddenly she’s awake again.

Meredith flinches and recoils back on the bench, moving back with her body pressed tightly against it. Addison immediately pulls her hands up in surrender after seeing Meredith’s reaction to indicate that there is no ill intent on her part.

“Relax, Grey. I was just on my way to get out of here when I saw you trying to headbutt the floor” she said mockingly, teasing Meredith with a smirk. Meredith squints her eyes and scowls at the woman. It’s lame but it’s her attempt at being intimidating.

“Hey, if anything, you should thank me. You could’ve gotten yourself a serious head injury there.” Addison said, seeing Meredith’s scowl. Meredith scoffs and crosses her arms over her chest. Addison mimics her.

“Although, that might be in your best interest if you did get a head injury” Addison feigns pondering, then looks down to the floor and adds, “but with that kind of impact I think all you’ll need is a plastic surgery.” she says and looks up at Meredith’s try hard piercing glare, she fights the urge to laugh.

Meredith refuses to speak a word to the other woman. She knows it’s petty but she doesn’t have the energy and inhibition to not be petty and childish about this so she settles on glares that she hopes are intimidating enough to the attending before her, although she has a pretty good idea that it isn’t.

“I know a guy” Addison says after a moment, and Meredith looks up at her in confusion, “What?” she says and mentally curses herself for losing her self control.

Addison smirks, “if you decide you want to fall and kiss the floor again, I know a guy that could fix you up with some plastic surgery, Grey. He’s really good at it and he could up your chances at meeting unmarried guys” she finishes with a devilish smirk and Meredith twitches at this. She’s really about to pounce on this woman and she doesn’t give a shit if she’s her boss.

“Meredith!”

And thank God for Cristina because she would have lost all control right then and there, she swears to God she could pull off all of that woman’s hair in an instant.

But, as fate and bad luck would have it, she sees Addison’s eyes start to glow just as it did the night before and by the look on Addison’s face, hers must’ve started glowing too.

Before any of them could move, Cristina is already hovering beside them. Damn Cristina and her quick and long strides.

“Hey, sorry it took so long. I had this amazing surgery with-” Cristina begins as she stands beside Addison who’s picking up the contents of her bag that she must’ve dropped earlier. Meredith isn’t sure when Addison even dropped her bag but she’s praying to God right now that she moves quickly cuz her eyes have not stopped glowing and she can’t look at Cristina right now. Not with her… situation.

“Oh hey, Dr. Shepherd” Cristina says, noticing the woman beside her. “Dr. Yang”, Addison replies and stupidly looks up at Cristina with her glowing eyes in full display and Meredith could not have wanted to kick her more than she does right now.

Luckily for both of them, Cristina doesn't seem to notice. 

Addison, realizing what she had done, quickly turned away and muttered her goodbyes as she hurriedly ran to the door leaving a confused Cristina and a relieved Meredith.

As soon as Addison is out of range, Meredith’s eyes have returned to their normal colour and she turns to Cristina with a smile. “Hey” she said for the first time at her best friend that night.

“Did I just save you from an awkward run in with the she-devil?” Cristina asks with a laugh and Meredith can’t help but laugh along with her as she stands up and drapes her arm around her best friend’s shoulder.

“You sure did Yang. And I’m tired as fuck so, carry me?” Meredith says with a pouty face to the woman who is now shoving Meredith away from her and they both laugh as they make their way through the doors.

Tonight, as Meredith slumps on her bed, sleep coming fast and steady, she dreams of red lips, red hair, pointy nose and piercing blue eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you so much for reading! I love reading all of your comments and I'm glad you loved this concept as much as I did.
> 
> I decided to continue this fic but I think I should inform y'all that I'm a programmer, I am super busy during the day and most of the night lol and as you all can probably tell by now, my brain doesn't function well when I write. Also, apologies for any and all mistakes. Anyway, I won't promise quick & scheduled updates and I am most probably going to write chapters at the crack of dawn where my cognitive skills dip down to -100. So yeah, you're probably not gonna get much quality content from me.
> 
> One thing's for sure though, I have no clue what's going on in this chapter, pretty sure I just went crazy writing it and it ended up being so long and so messy, I'm sorry. I'll try to be better next time all in the name of meddison endgame! 😂


	3. You're The Kind Of Reckless That Should Send Me Running

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really sorry for the late update! I see all of your comments and I love every single one of them! I was gonna publish this chapter on Dec. 15 with 12K+ words but it didn't feel right to me so I had to rewrite the whole damn thing. I split them in different chapters now. This chapter has about 10K words and is basically a long set up for the next (which, spoiler alert: is my favourite chapter so far). I hope I at least did this a bit of justice.

**.** _you're the kind of reckless that should send me running_

**_________________**

It’s easy to get bored in a humdrum city like Seattle. There's not much to do outside hospital hours for one Meredith Grey, which is the reason why she would rather spend most, if not all, of her free time marathoning horror movies at home, cuddling up on her couch and drowning herself in popcorn and Izzie's cupcakes. 

Horror has not really been her genre. As a child, she’s lived the horror of constant fear of rejection and abandonment from her parents. So naturally, she grew up learning to diverge herself from anything horror related (she figured she didn’t need that extra baggage). But, for the purpose of this pivotal moment of her life, she’s picked up on an unusual habit, one that she would have never even considered had anyone asked about a month ago.

Which must say a lot for the current state of her mental health.

To be fair, watching horror movies, as she’s come to realize, has made her feel more tethered to life. The anxiety, the shock and the adrenaline she gets from hyper fixating on the films has given her the opportunity to _feel_ things other than numbness. It gets her heart racing which is more than what she could say every time she thinks about what her life has become.

And maybe this is an effect driven by the increased wedge between her and her mother given that she’s completely derailed and can’t seem to remember or even care about her anymore and that she’s old enough to be more independent. Not that she’s ever been dependent on anyone before.

So her newfound fixation on the horror genre may have been inevitable, one that was bound to happen from the start.

Her friends, however, don’t share the same sentiment as she does. Her behaviour has apparently warranted her some worried looks from them. Not deliberate on their part, but still quite visible from Meredith’s general periphery (no matter how hard they try to hide it). 

She wonders if the reason why they haven’t confronted her about it is for fear of collateral damage. Maybe they do have a reason to be worried.

Still, they try their best to cope with her “episodes” —though she thinks this might be more of a life sentence— the best way they know how: baking cupcakes, sharing random tangible stories that don’t actually touch what’s the real problem at hand and laying wordlessly on unvacuumed and definitely unsanitary carpeted floor. 

No one ever said they had the healthiest coping mechanisms.

Despite Meredith’s annoyance at her friends being all up in her business all the time, she does appreciate their efforts and concern. She really does.

They had even managed to thwart Cristina’s attempts at knocking Meredith over some stalls so she could knock her back into her senses and get her out of her “pathetic ass self deprecative, self destructive state”. Which is an incredible feat if she’s being so honest. There are not a lot of things that could hold the young and feisty raven haired, cardiothoracic-enthusiast intern. She’s highly impressed, it’s definitely not an easy task. Not even Dr. Burke could hold her back.

But as much as she appreciates their efforts and concern, the problem with George, Izzie and Cristina (and sometimes Alex) being good friends to her is that, as much as they love to gossip and judge, they're **terrible** at being subtle about it.

They’re quite possibly the very definition of being un-sly and uncool.

When sometimes all she wants to have is some peace and to not have to think about a certain, blue, McDreamy eyes, one of them would come swooping in with the subject and it's tiresome.

Not to mention their pathetic attempts at being sly when spying on either of the Shepherds when they're walking past them or worse, when they're on their services is sending Meredith into heaps and flurries of embarrassment and heat exhaustion.

They don't even try to whisper when they talk about them, in fucking public!

Sometimes, what a girl with a broken heart needs is not an assembly of careless champions that will battle the man who broke her heart in her honour, but a coterie of friends that will join her in her musings about the latest indie horror film she watched and get fat with her.

In other words, she doesn't want to deal with it. Not now, not with her friends and certainly not in public.

Is that too much to ask?

Has her life become such a spectacle that the whole hospital is gossiping about her apparent, pathetic love life?

Apparently, she's the evil temptress who seduced her "poor, sweet, smart, charming, damsel in distress" boss' husband and, as all villains receive, she's paid the dust.

Derek chose his wife. 

Scratch that, Derek "McDreamy" Shepherd chose his bitchier, taller, smarter, prettier, and sexier wife, who he married, over Meredith and her 'pick me, choose me, love me' line.

If she could, she would put herself inside a rocket ship and take off away from the Earth's atmosphere with the sheer pressure of the energy from the rocket ship as it's pushing against gravity until she can feel herself float away.

She's never been to outer space and she practically knows zero to nothing about the safety measures of piloting a rocket ship but she thinks the pain she will feel from blast off will be a better feeling than the sheer embarrassment she feels at the pit of her stomach.

Who in their right minds would even consider giving a speech as embarrassingly cheesy as 'Pick me, choose me, love me"?

She thinks that if Cristina knew or if she ever finds out, she'd definitely look at her funny and/or laugh at her.

She doesn't know what came over her. Not even in her most desperate state could she allow herself to be caught saying such an un-Meredith like line. Especially not for a married man who wouldn't give even half a fight for her.

It's a thing that a part of her will probably never live down and a part of her that promises to never ever let herself slip through her walls like this again. She will never be caught in such a humiliating state where she pours all her vulnerabilities to anyone again. Not ever.

\--

Normally, Meredith uses alcohol to cope. She also uses various other men, all colours, shapes and sizes (she doesn't discriminate) but lately she hasn't been feeling it.

Perhaps it's because she's been using being cooped up in her living room watching horror movies as a means for coping, but it's still a bizarre revelation to Meredith that she hasn't had any urges to visit Emerald City in almost a month now.

She's not even taking invitations to go which is deeply concerning. Maybe she is becoming unhinged.

It seems that her body chemistry has just not found the spark, it hasn't found the will to move and get drunk and hook up and regret it later like she normally would.

( _And if she's being completely honest, she hasn't had any of these urges since she's found glowing blue eyes. But she's not ready for that conversation with herself just yet so she ignores the feeling and intuition_.)

She shrugs the thought off. Besides, she's not missing much in a bleak city like Seattle. What is there to even see outside?

As much as she loves Joe and Emerald City, this city is filled with monotonous ambience that is hinged with a legion of lonely caricatures of people trying to get by through their lives.

It's incredibly depressing and perhaps staying at home, detached from the reality of this city is a blessing in disguise.

Besides, the lack of alcohol and exhaustion from sleepless nights from partying in her system has made her sharper, and therefore perform better at her job.

Whether this is a good thing when she sleeps at night remains a debate in her head though. Because sometimes, when she drifts off to escape the reality of the world, she dreams of all too familiar red hair, red lipstick and blue eyes. And it's enough to cause panic and inexplicable excitement coursing through her veins.

\--

“God, I hope I get on McHottie’s services today”

Alex has always been a vulgar man. The guy has no inhibitions in his system and if Meredith wasn't so deeply annoyed at how insensitive he can be, then maybe she'd be thoroughly impressed at how impersonal he can be to anyone.

Today, however, Alex has exacerbated her annoyance. Alex liberally giving Addison a Mc-nickname without her consultation is completely out of whack. Especially with the name he's given her. It's especially annoying because Meredith's own stupid little mind actually thinks it's a very fitting nickname.

She doesn't want to think about it anymore. Not ever.

She doesn't ever want to hear about her McEx's McWife and her stupid little McBusiness. She wants out of all of it.

And the most infuriating thing about it is, she wasn’t supposed to even be **_something_ ** in Meredith’s life yet somehow she’s taken over it with a bulldozer and a path of destruction with her. Taking everything from her including but not limited to: her boyfriend, her life and her belief in romance.

Most importantly, she doesn't ever want to think about her anymore.

She thinks the redhead has completely gotten to her brain and infected it. Her theory is that the woman has injected a worm carrying a virus in her brain while she wasn't looking because she can't stop thinking about **_her_ **.

She doesn't want to reel in this… obsession that she feels is brewing. She doesn't have space in her already cramped up mind, she doesn't need a curse or a virus or whatever crawling in it.

Most of her thoughts of the redhead are neutral though. She usually thinks about mundane shit like what her favourite colour is or what her skin care routine is or what she likes to eat for snack.

Sometimes she thinks about wanting to pull all her hair off because she saw her in the hall the other day looking all smug and confident and she just so desperately wants to get that smug smile off of that damn face.

And in other, **_extremely_ ** rare moments, she thinks she's beautiful. That there is something unique about her beauty, something so enamoring and magnetic that you just can't help but be pulled into. She almost, _almost_ understands why Derek chose her. She blames these thoughts on her own insecurities.

Faith has shoved a Lego piece where it doesn't fit and now Meredith has to deal with Addison existing in her space. She thinks these thoughts are inevitable because of this.

It's an excuse and it's one for the books.

\--

This day could not get by faster enough. She's already itching to leave and bury herself in her blankets and five rented DVDs of bad indies horror flicks. They haven't even started roll calls and morning rounds yet.

As if on cue, Dr. Bailey enters the interns' locker room to distribute their assignments for the day.

It has sort of become Meredith's daily routine to silently pray to whatever God is listening to her to not place her under the services of either Shepherds.

She likes to think she's classy enough to not make threats but in between her prayers she sprinkles a layer of otherwise unnecessary info about how she might die if she's assigned to either one of them.

It might look strange and bold to threaten God with something he probably should be in complete control over but in her defence, she's never particularly had the best relationship with God. She's not sure how proper prayer works and she's got her mom to thank for that.

Whether her threats have anything to do with it or not, her prayers have worked for her _for the most part_. It's strange but she's not about to start questioning the Lord's work.

And by "works for the most part" she means she's successfully avoided being in, as Alex would like to call it: the vagina squad services, ever since the vagina squad leader's first day in Seattle Grace. As for the neuro services, she's been in for a few surgeries scrubbing in with Derek but otherwise mundane tasks that require no further and immediate interactions. 

She counts it as a win. Still, she couldn't shake the feeling of dread whenever Bailey starts authoritatively assigning them to tasks and attendings to assist for the day.

"Yang you're with Shepherd" this earned the unphased resident a dragging groan from the curly haired woman. Cristina had a reason to be disgruntled. The Shepherds are her person's enemy of the year and she hasn't had any Burke services for four days in a row.

"Which Shepherd?" Was asked halfheartedly as the raven haired intern slumps her back. Before Bailey could utter a response, she gets cut off, "probably McDreamy" Alex yells out from across the room which earned him an offending glare from their resident but she nods in affirmation towards Yang anyway.

And without another word, Cristina groans loudly again. Bailey ignores her and continues with the announcements. "Karev you're with Scheller for the day"

Meredith overhears Alex's rather loud protests and she tunes him out as she sees her "person" approaching her, dismay evident in her features.

"I'm off to your ex boyfriend, any words for him before I go?" Cristina asks with practiced impartiality in her tone.

She knows her person is and will always choose her side. She understands that Cristina has her own way to communicate their solidarity with her own, pretty insensitive little antics like this one. If it was any other person, Meredith would sure have been offended.

Meredith throws the raven haired beauty a fake wide toothy smile and says, "A kiss on the cheek and a slap would suffice" earning her an eye roll and a chuckle.

She observes her best friend's slumped retreating form for a moment before she returns her attention to the resident before her.

Bailey had just finished arguing with Alex which had ended with her sending him to the pit for the rest of the day. She starts the roll call once more but not before she could glare at the rest of the remaining interns as if to convey a 'do-not-cross-me' message to them.

"Anyway, Stevens you're with the other Shepherd, Grey you're with Burke, O'Malley you're with-" and she tunes out once more.

So her prayers have been answered to favour on her side, yet again. She knows she should be celebrating, she'd spent excruciating moments in the morning trying to pray for this to happen and yet, there is an unsettling feeling at the pit of her stomach that prevents her from rejoicing.

This is all too easy. It's going too smoothly for her and she knows that if something is too perfect then that means something horrible will happen soon. She's learned this lesson one too many times unfortunately. 

She can't help the paranoia bubbling inside of her, begging to overtake her senses. She tries to wrest it down for the sake of what's left of her sanity.

She spots her tall and blonde friend amidst the little chaos from interns scrambling to their assignments of the day. She calls out for her before she can run off.

"Hey Iz!" She jogs over to her friend a little, taking about 4 and a half steps to get to the other girl. "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd again today huh?" She asks disinterestedly feigning nonchalance under the guise of small talk.

The other girl looked momentarily alarmed by the topic at hand, worried about Meredith perhaps but it quickly changes to confusion as she realizes it's the shorter blonde that initiated the conversation. 

"Uhh… yeah, for 3 days straight now." She replies warily. When she doesn't get a response other than fake nonchalance, she continues as if it's going to help anything, "It's not that bad actually, I like working with kids".

Meredith hums and nods, still feigning nonchalance as both interns walk side by side in silence. 

Izzie knows that her friend is itching to tell her something, she can tell when Meredith doesn't take the turn towards the area where her assignment is located, but she doesn't point it out. She remains patient for her, trying not to push her friend to open up. She knows how difficult it can be for her.

Meredith contemplates her next move. She can simply just forget about this, about her ridiculous paranoia and backtrack. Just accept the gift that is today and worry about the inevitable crash tomorrow. But the more she contemplates, the crazier she feels and the crazier she feels the more she just wants to get this feeling out of the way and so she exhales in defeat and stops abruptly in her tracks.

She notices her blonde friend's pace had slowly regressed as well, a few paces ahead of her.

She inhales and then, "So this is gonna sound crazy but I have a feeling something terrible is about to happen soon." she exhales.

Izzie looks at Meredith, confusion evident in her features. "Like what, exactly?"

"I'm not getting any assignments with her!" The blonde exclaims frustratedly like it's supposed to be obvious.

It didn't seem possible but Izzie looks even more discombobulated than before. She's not dumb and she's pretty good at concluding by deductions, she knows who the 'she' Meredith is talking about.

No, what baffles her is Meredith's distress. Why would she concern herself of things that aren't happening when an opportunity to escape her worst nightmare is literally at the tip of her finger? 

"Is that a bad thing?" She asks after a beat.

"Yes! Who knows if this is some ploy to catch me off guard? And when I relax my restraints then she'll strike from behind me?!" Meredith exclaims at an incredulous Izzie.

"Okay, first of all I need you to calm down and secondly, I highly, **_highly_ ** doubt that's what's happening here." Izzie starts, emphasizing the 'highly' part which makes her chuckle a little bit at how ridiculous Meredith sounds.

"And, I bet you're not getting her services to avoid any altercations between you two. Everybody in this hospital already knows about you, I bet they're just waiting for the gossip and rumours to die down before they have you working in the same vicinity again" Izzie tries to reassure her agitated friend.

"That's bullshit, we're both adults, we can handle ourselves professionally. Not everything in my life is about McDreamy and his McWife. I was professional under Derek's services, I can be as professional with her too!" Meredith rambles on as they make a turn down the hall.

To say that this surprises Izzie is an understatement. She doesn't understand why it seems like Meredith is almost desperate to be in Addison's services. She's not sure if that's even remotely sane to think about when all Meredith has had to say about the attending is how much she annoys her and how much she wishes she hadn't shown up.

This doesn't make sense at all.

Without thinking, Izzie's mouth moves to speak, "If I didn't know any better I would've suspected you only came to ask me to switch assignments with you so you can have one with her." voicing her suspicions once and for all.

"What?! No, that's ridiculous!" She takes one wary look at her friend.

"Okay, then why are you still following me when you and I both know your assignment is with Burke and Burke is in the opposite direction?" Izzie retorts not buying her friend's denial.

Meredith is rendered speechless at this. Why did she follow Izzie all the way here? What was it that she was trying to accomplish? Finding the right answer should be easy but somehow, she can't find the words to articulate it. She can't even find the words to reason with herself.

She opens her mouth in an attempt to defend herself but knows soon after as she closes her mouth again wordlessly that she's lost.

Izzie, sensing her friend's distress, softens her gaze and runs a reassuring hand to her friend's shoulder in an effort to comfort her.

"Dr. Grey!" The two are interrupted by a voice echoing down the hall. They turn around to face Burke, slightly jogging towards them.

The two greet the doctor as he stands before them, mood bright and shiny this early morning. 

"Glad I caught you here" he says as he nods towards Izzie, acknowledging her presence. 

Meredith begins to open her mouth to apologize for straying but gets cut off by Burke's pager ringing. He's not really paying attention to her anyway.

"Anyway, we'll be working together with Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd today so this is the perfect place to be for us." He begins as he walks a few paces ahead, leading two confused women trailing behind.

"Wait, what about the patient with a heart transplant scheduled for today?" Meredith asks, jogging a little bit to catch up to Burke's long strides.

He takes one quick glance at her before turning her attention back to walking ahead, "he rebooked it for Dr. Hahn to perform the surgery" he answers dismissively with a shrug on his shoulders.

Meredith looks back towards a still trailing Izzie who shrugs at her as if silently saying 'it can't be helped'.

Then, Meredith takes tentative and agitated steps towards what she thinks will be her impending doom.

\---

"Samantha Baynes, 54 years old, an echocardiogram test showed she had a tricuspid valve regurgitation caused by a scarring from a rheumatic fever caused by an infection known as Group A streptococcus bacterium.” the head of fetal surgery paused, continuing to scan the chart in her hand.

“She’s 34 weeks pregnant and experiencing abnormally long bouts of extremely painful contractions.” She finishes as Dr. Burke hums in acknowledgement while listening to the inert patient’s heartbeat.

“Dr. Stevens” the attending sternly calls out to her assigned intern. The intern in question almost jumps out of her spot, startled.

"What could be the possible effects of rheumatic diseases in maternal and fetal health and progression?" She doesn't even look up as she questions the taller blonde, still carefully scanning through the chart that she's probably been examining for the past hour.

Izzie straightens her back, trying to look more confident than she's feeling at the moment. She explains as thoroughly as she can to the attending before her, sounding calm and sure.

As Meredith is observing her friend, she can't help but notice the female attending before them. She remarks Addison's body language and reaction. Even as Izzie stumbles on her words and mixing up the terms Addison doesn't lose focus and more importantly, she doesn't lose the soft and encouraging look on her face towards the taller intern.

She doesn't interrupt her, she's not rude, she's not overly critical and she's actually listening to her attentively giving her affirmative hums and nods.

She's not the jealous type, especially not towards her friends and **_most especially_ ** not involving Satan herself. No, this is not jealousy or envy this is a reaction to biased judgement. This is beyond infuriating. She thinks- no, she **_knows_ ** the attending is trying to provoke her. By being patient and understanding towards Izzie when she was nothing but towards her.

She narrows her eyes slightly, making sure to glare at the older woman before her. 

She knows this shouldn't get under her skin so much, but right now she doesn't care. She's absolutely livid. She cannot allow this woman to treat her unfairly without any repercussions and she doesn't care if she's her boss. It's not fair.

It's not like Meredith is looking for Addison's stamp of approval. No, not over her dead body. They'd have to drain all her blood and scour all her organs before they could even find traces of her wanting the approval of Satan herself.

No, the reason why she's seething is none other than the fact that the woman before her has made her feel incompetent for getting flustered and overwhelmed from her questions when, as demonstrated right now, she's perfectly capable of being patient and approachable. 

Izzie finishes and Addison nods at her with an approving smirk, looking at the model with an expression that Meredith could only guess is akin to pride, “Great job Dr. Stevens” she praises the intern, giving her another wide smile and it takes everything in Meredith not to scoff.

And as if on cue, Dr. Burke interrupts. “We'll have to operate on her soon.” he turns to a nurse to inform them to book an operating room for them to perform surgery.

Both attendings appoints both of their interns to scrub in with them in surgery, the redhead’s main job being to perform a cesarean delivery as needed. 

Everybody begins to disperse, preparing themselves for surgery as Mrs. Baynes is being rolled out onto the operating room by a team of nurses.

Meredith is one of the last to leave the room, trailing just behind the nurses wheeling the bed out. Addison’s presence by her as she’s walking out takes her by surprise, as if she’s been hovering over the exit to wait for her, but she suppresses the emotion, refusing to acknowledge the woman beside her now.

Addison’s gaze is intense against Meredith’s skin, it sends shockwaves down her system. She almost shivers at the thought. But her willpower is strong and she refuses to lose. So she moves past her, quick enough that the woman wouldn’t be able to let out whatever she was about to say and calculated enough that it doesn’t come off as her running away from a confrontation.

The attending momentarily pauses as if frozen in place, she was about to say something but the intern had ignored her and moved past her. _She’s got a bit of an attitude_ , she thinks with a slight chuckle to herself, jogging slightly so she can catch up to the blonde woman before her. Like hell is she gonna let her ignore her like that.

Once she finds herself walking alongside the shorter woman, she moves her limbs according to the other woman’s movements so that they’re moving in sync. “I could feel you trying to burn holes through my head with your eyes earlier, you know” she says in a matter-of-factly tone without sparing a glance at the blonde, a bitchy smirk perfectly in place.

She doesn’t have to see to know that her sudden presence had startled the blonde next to her. It’s almost as if she could feel her tense up without even touching or seeing her. And besides, she usually has that kind of effect on everyone so she’s not surprised.

Another thing that doesn’t surprise her is the silence she receives. She knows Meredith is actively trying to ignore her and with the few moments they’ve had, Addison could already tell that this woman is as stubborn as a mule. This only increases her amusement. Her smirk widens. She finally looks down at the blonde beside her, a lopsided grin intact, fully intended to aggravate the intern.

Meredith’s resolve is strong, she’ll give her that but she can feel it slipping away as she continues her pestering. It’ll only be a matter of time, she knows the girl doesn’t have enough resolve in her to continue ignoring Addison. And Addison knows how annoying she can get, it’s part of her charm.

As she feels the other woman’s obstinacy slowly slip, she continues to nag her further, “You’re not the most subtle person in the room, you know? Better brush up on those evil glaring skills next time. Or better yet, I could give you some tips, I’m an expert when it comes to that.”

This almost breaks Meredith’s resolve but she fights the urge. _She’s just another annoying little piece of shit that you can simply drown out by the sounds of the wave. Focus on your memory of the beach. Find your inner peace._ She chants to herself silently, inhaling deeply through her nose and exhaling through her mouth. She keeps moving forward without any qualms.

This throws Addison off a little, she was sure Meredith was on the edge of breaking, that she had her at her palms to break. She doesn’t even know why she’s doing so much just to provoke a reaction out of the younger woman. She knows it’s beyond petty and immature but she can’t help herself, as soon as she sees her, all thoughts of control, poise and maturity dissipates. 

It’s easy to lose all inhibitions with Meredith which makes this an even more of a dangerous game to play but one that is so titillating that her impulse would naturally tell her: _it could be worth it_. She cannot begin to think about what the captain or Bizzy would say about this.

She knows she’s about to do something horribly stupid and insensitive. She’s been in a battle against her own mind for the past few weeks. It is proving to be a greater challenge to be horrible, to incite such despicable hatred towards the younger intern. Whether it’s because of her self-righteous ideologies or for completely different reasons, it doesn’t matter. She knows what she has to do and she knows she needs to drive a solid wedge between her and the younger woman. 

It is the only way she knows how to escape that stupid fate.

“Stevens is an impressive young woman.” she starts, face contorting into a forced neutral expression so that she doesn’t visibly flinch at her own words. She needs to do this.

Sure enough, this incites a reaction from the intern as she momentarily loses her resolve to look up at the woman beside her. Addison is facing straight ahead, now being the one refusing to acknowledge the other.

“She’s by no means a genius but I admire her determination and drive to learn.” she continues, pace never faltering. Meredith doesn’t know why but hearing her say all these, uncharacteristically wonderful comments about her friend is making her uncomfortable.

Addison’s tone, Meredith observes, has become dark and low like she’s preparing for something devastating. It’s the same feeling she gets when the killer is about to capture its prey and slice them to pieces in her horror movies. She thinks she can hear the music loud in her ear.

She notices the other woman pursing her lips, almost as if pushing herself to continue despite not wanting to. “It’s a desirable trait to possess Dr. Grey. It shows that she's willing to learn and grow in her craft. Something you can strive for but maybe it’s just something you don’t and will never possess.” and just like that, Meredith sees red.

How dare this she-devil woman insinuate that she’s not trying hard enough, that she’s not _enough_. How dare she try to bring her down, telling her what she’s worth. How dare she reinforce what her mother had continually instilled to her brain until she can’t anymore.

It’s a low blow and she will not stand for it. She will stand her ground and fight for her own honour for once because this woman, a woman who barely knows her and a woman who barely thinks about her does not have any right to say anything about her at all.

She stops on her tracks facing the redheaded woman beside her, eyes narrowing with raging intensity in them and she can see the other woman flinch and cower a little. She can see regret laced in her eyes but she doesn’t care, it’s too late for regrets.

Her gaze doesn’t falter and she can feel Addison squirm in discomfort under her fiery gaze. They stay like that a little longer than necessary, neither one of them daring to make a move to break eye contact and for a second there, and as her anger starts to slowly calm down, there’s a glimpse of worry in Meredith’s mind. 

She’s afraid the “curse” will start acting up in the most inappropriate place and time and her eyes will start to glow. She waits two, three, five, ten, twenty, thirty, sixty seconds and nothing. It’s not glowing and Meredith doesn’t know how to explain that feeling at the pit of her stomach, like something just dropped.

She takes another inhale and exhale before fully calming down enough to avoid a huge scene in the hall. She’s already famous enough as the dirty mistress villain, a husband stealer, she doesn’t need another rumour that she tried to kill her ex boyfriend’s wife in the middle of an occupied hallway on top of those too.

But she won’t let this pass. “If you’re here to tell me how much of a better intern Izzie is and how I could learn so much from her then you’re wasting your breath.” she starts as she stomps away from the attending next to her.

Addison is quick to open her mouth to speak, Meredith isn’t sure what it is she’ll say, something about the look in Addison’s eyes tells her she is about to apologize but the intern won’t let her. If she says it, she better mean it. Meredith likes holding grudges and she will hold onto this grudge for as long as it takes, she won’t try to give her a pass by letting her apologize.

“For one: I don’t care about your advice, two: I don’t want to hear your advice and three: I’m not in the mood so don’t even try.” she finishes moving forward and leaving the shell shocked attending frozen in place. Addison purses her lips and doesn’t try to push it anymore.

\--

They’re the last ones to arrive in the operating room, neither one daring to make a move to speak or look at each other.

Izzie gives Meredith a confused look which earns the taller blonde a warning glare to drop the subject and so she does instead, she turns to the attending next to her and listens to her instructions carefully before she moves to follow them.

Burke instructs Meredith to make a median sternotomy incision and Addison instructs Izzie to monitor the baby. 

As the surgery continues to unravel, Meredith couldn’t help but take little, _subtle_ glances towards the attending across from her despite being assigned to Burke. She should really try to learn more about cardiothoracic surgery while she has the chance to, she should be answering Burke’s questions with more engagement and enthusiasm. 

More drive, more passion, more interest. _Just like Izzie_? She shakes her thoughts away, going back to focusing on the situation at hand. But she finds it incredibly difficult to concentrate at whatever Burke is saying and doing when Addison tosses her little glances with so much softness in her eyes as if to convey an apology. 

What the hell is wrong with this woman? One moment she tries to be the biggest dick in Meredith’s life and the next she tries to be nice. It’s incredibly frustrating to watch. 

She doesn’t realize Burke has been calling her until she hears the woman in front of her clear her throat and look up with a pointed look. She can’t see her face under the mask but she knows there’s a cocky smirk hiding behind it and it’s enough to snap Meredith out of her stupor. There is that stupid annoying little face again. 

Suddenly she’s contemplating throwing a scalpel over that annoying ass face in that instant.

It’s embarrassing to be caught out of it during surgery but luckily Dr. Burke doesn’t press. He continues to explain and teach her about certain areas in the heart and best practices during surgery and she tries to be attentive to him. She tries her hardest.

But Meredith can feel Addison’s stare from the other side of the table and her knees suddenly feel weak and jittery. It’s incredibly difficult to concentrate when she can feel the heat of her gaze. It burns. Every part of her that Addison is looking at burns and she wants nothing more than to wipe the burn off with water. 

For a moment, she wonders if their eyes are glowing right now. For some reason, she feels that it’s the appropriate time for it to happen.

She takes a quick glance around the room, careful not to land her eyes at the attending before her. She’s not sure, really but if their eyes are glowing, nobody attempts to say anything.

\--

The surgery was a success and they had managed to move Mrs. Baynes and her baby back to her room in stable condition.

It’s been a long day for Meredith, a 5 hour surgery and other shit that she had to do during the day, mostly spent at the pit taking care of sick patients who otherwise don’t need any extensive surgeries. She couldn’t wait to head home and bury herself in her bed.

She’s so exhausted that she doesn’t even know if she can drive home but since Cristina and Izzie are both doing 30hr shifts, George is visiting his family and Alex already went home with a nurse, she’s left to deal with going home alone to an empty, lonely house.

She briefly wonders what it would be like to have someone to come home to and cuddle up with. She contemplates getting a dog for a second there.

She steps through the exit of Seattle Grace Hospital when a strong gust of wind and belligerent rainfall stinging her skin with every drop greets her. Just as she was about to groan a loud thunderstorm shakes the ground of the hospital.

Of fucking course. There had to be a storm. Just her luck. She really shouldn’t be surprised, rainfalls are a common occurrence in this city. Sometimes she thinks the common rains and thunderstorms is the city’s horrible attempt at being interesting. And of course she forgot to bring an umbrella, in a city with a lot of rainy evenings. She sighs with a curse under her breath as she heads back inside. She figured there is no use forcing herself to drive in such hazardous environment.

She decides to wait until the rain slows down. It’s the safest option for her and she doesn’t feel like dying tonight anyway.

She slumps onto one of the vacant chairs in the waiting area and closes her eyes, too tired to leave them open.

Three minutes. 

That's how long she was able to get her much needed rest before she got rudely interrupted by a presence sitting next to her. She can feel the other person’s gaze studying her up and down. For a brief second she considers ignoring the person, she’s really too exhausted to entertain anyone right now.

But then she still feels their gaze and it’s making her uneasy to the point that she can’t relax so instead, she relents and opens her eyes to address them. It doesn’t come as a surprise to her when she sees that beautiful smile and sparkling blue eyes greet her as she meets their gaze. She had the feeling it was him.

“Hi” he starts, greeting her with that lopsided smile of his that always has her knees weak. She smiles involuntarily as he does, eyes flicking down to his lips and back up to his eyes. He has an intoxicating way about him that draws Meredith in. 

He’s sitting beside her, body leaning over the armchair that’s separating the two of them. “Terrible storm out there, huh” he starts a small talk, the side of his eyes wrinkling as he smiles.

He’s really so dreamy but Meredith quickly snaps out of that dream, remembering his unavailability and the choice he made. She sits up, straightening her back and looks at him, wary and guarded. She’s tired, she’s not in the mood for conflict or talking about serious topics so she simply nods dismissively, trying her darndest not to create any more unnecessary dialogue with him.

He nods, understanding her body language and doesn’t push. She appreciates this side of Derek, the side that doesn't dare to push forward. The side of him that doesn't challenge her. He’s always been a safe cushion, safe and familiar. No challenge means no risk and no risk means nothing will be lost.

It's not to say that they're void of any arguments because they do argue. A lot. But with him it's always easy because they don't argue about topics that are way too risky. Way too personal.

People might say it's terrible communication but he is the blueprint for the status quo and Meredith loves that sort of stability.

Derek keeps trying to steal glances at her. If he's trying to be subtle, he's doing an incredibly poor job at it, Meredith thinks. "You're going to end up snapping your neck if you keep doing that you know?" she informs, not looking up from where she's looking and certainly not moving from her place.

Derek looks at her and chuckles mostly to himself silently before saying, "Yeah, sorry".

“Is there any reason you’re here?” she relents with a sigh. She’s tired but she figured that if she and Derek don't get this tension off their shoulders by tonight that it will keep haunting them for a long time so better get it out of the way while they still can.

“Well, I’m here to wait the rain out. I’m assuming you’re the same?” he jokes which earns him an eye roll and a light shove from the girl. 

Silence filled the room as their light chuckles died down. It is neither comfortable or uncomfortable. It's a strange feeling to Meredith but she's not about to question it. “I really am sorry.” he whispers after a moment. If he wasn’t so close to her she probably wouldn’t have heard it, hell, a part of her is already thinking she’s hallucinating.

She looks at him for the first time in a month, actually acknowledging his presence around her outside of the guise of doctor business.

A part of her misses seeing Derek up close, **_this_ ** close to her. She can't help but miss the heat of his body radiating against hers, the wrinkle in his eyes whenever he smiles at her, the way his nose would crinkle when he's concentrating on something, and the way he used to look at her with such adoration, almost like he’s seeing love for the first time. It felt pure, real and invincible back then. It felt like they were an untouchable force, that their love will reign over everything. 

She doesn’t feel it anymore. It’s not like she’s lost the spark between them because she can’t lie that it’s still there although very faint. She can’t even remember the last time she’s yearned for his kisses. She can’t even remember exactly how it feels like, can’t even picture a future without the fragility with him. How could it all just change in such a short amount of time?

She thinks it’s heartbreak. She believes it is the heartbreak that’s causing her to feel less than how she’s supposed to be feeling around him. He’s hurt her to the point of numbing her. If there was any other reason, she doesn’t want to address it now.

Derek turns to look at her and he smiles sadly. "If I could turn back time, I'd have done things differently" he says, regret evident in his features. He shuffles around picking up his things off of the ground and mumbles a quick goodbye, leaving an emotionally void Meredith.

The rain has slowed down but the fall of the raindrops is still solid enough to pierce into her skin so she stays seated for a few more minutes.

Closing her eyes but couldn't fall asleep, she couldn’t relax. She wants to believe that Derek had come back, that he’d have paused in the middle of walking away and turned back because he loved her and he would fight for her. She wants to believe he’ll sweep her off her feet, woo her back to their epic romance and they’d run away and live happily ever after away from the rainstorms and thunder.

But no matter how much she wants to believe, she knows Derek wouldn’t. Derek is not the type to hold on, just like her. She really can’t blame him if she’s the same way, can she?

Still, she feels a presence across from her, silent but imposing. She already knows it’s not Derek from the way that her heartbeat quickens and her palm sweats with unease. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, one Meredith is sure she’s felt somewhere before but can’t seem to remember well enough.

The tension in the room rises. It’s the silence that’s so deafening, so unnerving and so agonizing. She feels the thrill of it, the adrenaline coursing through her, feeling her body heat up jolting her awake. And suddenly she’s not so tired anymore. Still, Meredith keeps her eyes tight shut, unwilling to acknowledge anything and anyone.

She squeezes her eyes shut so tight that she feels as though it’s going to permanently stay glued together like that. Maybe that’s for the best.

Yet, for all the efforts she gives, the person is simply unmoving, silent. She doesn’t know if it’s from disinterest or if the person is waiting for her to be the first one to break the silence. She curses her innate human nature to be bothered by the unknown, to always find answers to curious things in life. And so she wakes up, acknowledging the person before her.

When she opens her eyes and sees a temporary blur in her surroundings, thanks to the excessive pressure she’s put into shutting them. When she gets a clearer view of the scene in front of her, she finds herself unsurprised.

A person wearing a cocky smirk, legs crossed and arms resting comfortably on the arm chair in front of her. She feels like she’s being mocked by the redhead, using her exuding confidence and relaxed nature to elicit unwanted emotions from her and yet instead of getting irritated, she’s somehow relieved. As if the tension has risen and is floating away from them and she finally lets out a sigh.

In any given day Meredith would be startled by her reaction. She would reprimand herself until she somehow changes her unwilling mind. But for now, she blames the exhaustion for her inability to contradict herself.

They stay in momentary stillness, not a word uttered and not a single movement from either woman, but it feels like a silent conversation with their eyes. A conversation only they are and will ever be privy of.

Addison’s smile is almost infectious if not for Meredith’s temper and stubbornness. 

They remain that way, both women in a silent agreement, as if they had planned this sitting from the start. They’re challenging fate. They’re daring it to do something bold, to do something they both know would devastate them and their reputation if and when a bystander finds the secret they’ve been trying (but not really) to hide.

They’re even willing to risk the possibility of Derek coming back, maybe he dropped his keys and forgot about it, to find them in this state, eyes on each other and glowing for each other. Meredith wonders in silence of what he would do or say in that very scenario.

They stay motionless for a few more minutes and Meredith couldn’t help but narrow her eyes at the woman in front of her and—

Nothing.

The redhead’s eyes stay in its dull colours, stagnant and unchanging. There are no glowing colours, nothing to give Meredith any hint of change. It’s the same shade of normal blue. She doesn’t understand the feeling at the pit of her stomach. A small part of her is suggesting it’s disappointment but she wills herself to ignore it. It can’t be that because there is no reason for her to be disappointed.

She sighs and shakes her head before standing up ready to leave without another word. 

Just as she’s about to step away, she feels a hand grab onto her wrist so faint and gentle that she almost thinks she’s imagining the feeling. But then again, why would she even imagine Addison stopping her from leaving?

She stops abruptly, looking straight ahead of her for a minute before looking down to the hand that’s holding her wrist and onto the eyes of the woman looking up at her with pleading eyes. The redhead doesn’t say anything, she just continues to look up at her like an abandoned puppy looking to lure someone into taking care of it.

The blonde sighs, exasperated. “What do you want?” she tried to sound harsh, she really did but it came out softer than she intended it to sound. She’s facing the older woman completely now and yanking her arm away from her grip as if it had burned her.

Addison sighs and she shifts, looking down at the hands on her lap, the cocky look completely washed, replaced with the exhaustion evident in her posture and in her overall demeanour. She doesn’t try to give a snarky remark, she doesn’t try to annoy Meredith like she had intended to when she sat across from her. Suddenly, she’s lost the energy to fight. 

“What did he say to you?” she asks, looking straight ahead and not daring to look up to see Meredith’s confused glare.

“Excuse me?”

“Derek. He was here earlier and he was talking to you. What did Derek say to you?” Addison says, raising her voice a little, frustration evident in her tone. Though, of who that frustration is directed to, her or Derek, she isn’t sure.

Meredith rolls her eyes. Does Addison really think she’s low enough to try and steal Derek away from her? Sure enough, Meredith wanted Derek to choose her, she wanted to be his first and last choice and sure, she did that cringey ass ‘Pick me, choose me, love me’ line not too long ago but she’d like to think she’s got more dignity than trying to steal a married man from his wife.

All Addison receives is a scoff and the older woman snaps her head back up with a warning glare and it’s the first time she's seen Addison so panicked, so vulnerable and so fragile. She almost feels bad for the woman. Almost.

She crosses her arms over her chest and raises one eyebrow, challenging the woman before her to speak or retaliate or whatever.

Addison narrows her eyes at the younger woman, frustrated and tired. Neither one of them wants to relent, both too stubborn to do so. But since Addison is the older one she decides that she has to be the mature one. She sighs and drops her head to her hands, smoothing the strands on her hair.

“Okay, okay. You don’t wanna talk to me, I get it. I’m sorry” she starts. She doesn’t make a move to tell Meredith she can go or not. Instead, she lets Meredith decide for herself.

That apology didn't sound like she was sorry for annoying her. The way Addison says it, with so much sincerity and pain in her tone, it seemed to be more than that.

She stares at the woman, perplexed. Why was she suddenly apologizing to her? If Meredith is being honest she’d expected the woman to be more direct or snarky about the subject. She’d expected yelling, fighting, shoving, insults thrown at each other. That’s how it always ended when she’s fighting with Derek or with any of her other relationships so excuse her for not understanding this.

The blonde takes a tentative seat next to the red haired woman, careful to put a respectable distance between them.

“I don’t know why you’re apologizing.” It’s not a question or a reassuring statement. She doesn’t want to hear Addison’s reasons and she most certainly doesn’t want to comfort her but she feels like she needs to say it.

The taller woman lets out a bitter snicker and turns to face the intern slight amusement and playful disbelief evident in her features. “Come on” Addison begins as if she’s thinking Meredith should surely know what she’s apologizing for, like it’s that easy and she’s an open book. This irks Meredith a bit, why do people expect her to know the answer to everything?

Meredith glares at her, giving her her best _‘I’m serious’_ look. “You came here to confront me and probably accuse me of trying to steal your husband, which, by the way I am not. So what are you really apologizing for?!”

Addison pulls her head lower as if to highlight her shame. The blonde stares at the woman next to her, dumbfounded. She doesn’t really understand what the redhead is even angsting about.

Addison rolls her eyes at the young intern’s confused stupor and continues, “I’m sorry for everything that I said earlier.” she says through gritted teeth as if a large part of her is protesting this.

And just like that, Meredith understands. She remembers the way Addison had insulted her, how she made her feel inadequate and how her mother has always made her feel that way about herself.

And suddenly the walls multiply around her. She clenches her jaws and hums with feign disinterest. She doesn’t want to hear what she’s heard from years of being inadequate to her mother. She doesn’t feel like getting her confidence dismantled at the moment, especially not by the doings of Addison Montgomery-Shepherd.

“It’s fine” she says through gritted teeth and just like that she’s moving up and away from there. Away from Addison and away from the pitiful eyes. She moves so fast that it makes her forget that she was even exhausted earlier. She thanks God for adrenaline rushes.

She ignores the sounds of quick steps and her name being called out, she ignores the way her heart is beating so rapidly in her chest that she’s afraid it’s going to burst out but she doesn’t ignore the way her body and her legs sprints to the doors and to the parking lot.

It stopped raining but there’s still a light drizzle that feels like soft kisses on her face. It’s calming and soothing and almost makes her want to curl up into a ball and sleep peaceful and sound in the middle of the road. She shakes her head and hurries towards her car, not turning back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope y'all enjoyed that! Let me know what y'all think about this latest development! And my style kinda changed, idk if any of you noticed hope it's not too much of a throw off!


	4. III. But I Kinda Know That I Won’t Get Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler alert: This is my favourite chapter so far!

**iii.** _but i kinda know that i won't get far_

**_________________**

Addison is left frozen in shock in the middle of the hall that leads to the doors. _What the hell_? Okay, so maybe she should’ve explained herself properly before she could cause any panic or misunderstanding with Meredith but that reaction was completely uncalled for and rude. All she wanted to do was apologize and ask if her husband had completely detached himself from her grip like he’d told her he would in the morning.

She stands still for a moment, contemplating on what she should be doing next. On the one hand, she can just go back home to the trailer and rest up the rest of the evening, let Meredith cool down and she can clear things up tomorrow. On the other hand, she **loathes** the trailer. She hates how little space it has, how suffocating it feels to be so close to Derek, yet so distant from him, she hates the way it doesn’t feel like home and she hates the way it smells like stinky trouts all the time.

She’ll do anything to get away from that dump.

She doesn’t have to think twice, she already knows what she’ll do and so she sprints as fast as her feet allow her to try and stop Meredith. She knows she has better options than the two but she thinks she’d rather spend her time doing something more productive than drinking all her sorrows away and so she chases after her.

She catches sight of Meredith slumping over her car and kicking her tires. Maybe luck is on her side tonight.

She finally reaches the parking lot and she stands behind the shorter woman, keeping a respectable distance between them before as she gasps for air, trying to regain her composure.

Meredith hasn’t looked back but she knows the intern noticed her presence, judging by the way her shoulders tenses.

“Go away” Meredith starts, exhaustion evident in her tone and Addison wonders why the woman isn’t inside her car yet for a brief moment.

As soon as Addison’s breathing returns to normal, she starts speaking, “Can’t we just talk? I just want to talk.” she says but somehow, even she doesn’t convince herself. Surely she’s a little more eloquent than this.

“I don’t want to talk to you!” Meredith yells, turning around to face the attending. She’s exhausted, they both can tell by the way her voice cracks and her legs almost betrays her.

“Whenever I talk to you, bad things happen. I lose everything! I lose my boyfriend, I lose my confidence, I lose my interest, I lose my energy and I lose the life I once had.” she starts, everything falling to pieces as Addison stays frozen in place.

“What more do you want from me?!” she yells with a frustrated huff and she slaps her hands on the roof of her car, “I lost my keys and now I can’t go home.” she mumbles tiredly as she rests her head on her car.

Addison has no time to be confused, she knows the woman before her won't be able to drive safely in her state. She needs to do something before she can find her car keys and do something reckless so she springs into action right away.

“I’ll drive you.” she says as she steps closer to the girl, careful not to overstep whatever invisible boundaries the blonde has put between them.

She takes tentative steps forward, with each step she looks up at Meredith for some kind of resistance. When she doesn’t see it, she takes it as a sign to catch the woman by her arm and lead her to her car. They both know they’re too tired to fight and that if either one was healthy enough to resist, then this wouldn’t have gone this far.

Addison’s car is parked just a few spaces away from Meredith’s so it wasn’t a long walk to begin with.

The shorter girl opens the passenger door to her boss' car wordlessly without being instructed to and if it bothers Addison how easy and familiar it all looks, she doesn’t say a word to her about it.

Meredith doesn’t know where they’re going, she doesn’t even know if Addison knows where her house is or if she’s even planning on taking her home. 

This city is bleak, it's boring and somber, if Addison is taking her anywhere here, it couldn't be any good.

But Addison is there and she’s driving her to God knows where. She could get murdered in a few minutes and she can’t bring herself to care because she’s tired. She’s tired of fighting and she’s tired of running away. She just wants to sleep with the soft sounds of the drizzling rain hitting the roof to lull her.

She watches the street from outside Addison’s car window, she observes the meshed orange and blue lights, the small bubbles from the rain that sticks to the window, the buzz of the city and the splashes of water from the puddle created by the rain just minutes ago. It’s been awhile since she’s gone out and headed to an unfamiliar destination, slowly drifting away from where home is.

It’s frightening. She should feel scared. She should. Here is her ex boyfriend’s wife, driving her to some place she probably doesn’t know. It could very well be a trap. But her body cannot bring herself to care as she sinks herself deeper into the passenger seat, allowing her body to cool and relax under the warmth of her car. She blames it on the car. It’s too comfortable and soft. It smells like home.

-

There’s something thrilling about driving to some place unknown, just the mistress and the wife who so happens to be soulbound to each other (how funny is that?). There’s risk and danger written all over the signs between them and yet, there’s something alluring about it. Something that draws her in like she’s a metal being pulled by a magnet.

It feels like an adventure, Bonnie and Clyde in their getaway car.

Make no mistake, Meredith doesn’t trust Addison, not even in the slightest. And it shows as the thought that she should be alarmed crosses her mind over and over and over. This should send her running for the hills, open the car door and slip out as the driver ( _the kidnapper_ ) remains focused on the road ahead.

The injuries she’ll inevitably sustain after her escape, broken bones and cuts that will need stitches, will be nothing compared to the devastation if she stays. But the problem is, she doesn’t want to get away. And it’s not just because she’s tired. No, because even if she wasn't as exhausted as she is, she thinks that she'll still stay. 

Maybe it’s because this is the first time she’s really felt liberated in awhile. Maybe it's the thrill of the unknown that's tethering her to the passenger seat. Maybe it's because the soft humming to whatever music is on the radio coming from the person on the driver's seat is strangely calming.

No, she doesn’t trust Addison but she couldn’t bring herself to care enough so instead, she closes her eyes and lets herself drift off to sleep as they continue to speed onto the freeway.

\--

Addison is pulling up into an unfamiliar place, barren of anything but land and grass and Meredith thinks it’s her last day on earth, Addison is going to try and kill her and she’s not mad about it. She’s gone completely unhinged.

She’s feeling a little bit more energized than before which she thanks the comfy passenger seat for (she reminds herself to ask Addison about where she got it later) but it’s still not enough to get her to be alert so when she asks where they are, it comes off as drowsy and slurred.

Addison is busy unbuckling her seatbelt, not paying Meredith or any of her questions any mind and this normally would annoy her but she’s too focused on trying to unbuckle her own seatbelt and forcing herself to detach from the soft, too comfortable passenger seat in her still hazy from sleep state.

And besides, she’s actually more perturbed now that her mind is a little clearer and more rational than before. Looking around, she notices that the rain has completely stopped and the field is completely empty save for them and Addison’s car haphazardly parked in the middle of the grassy surface of the field.

Maybe Addison really brought her here to murder her. She almost snaps her neck, turning towards the driver’s side only to find it unoccupied.

She hadn’t noticed Addison getting out of her car and pulling something out of the trunk due to her anxiety inducing stuper and she mentally and physically prepares herself for what might just happen in moments.

She takes deep and ragged breaths to calm herself down. She needs to clear her mind, find some kind of weapon or something to protect herself before— and a knock on the car window startles her, nearly giving her a heart attack. She clutches at her rapidly beating chest and takes quick and laboured breaths before glaring at Addison’s crouched form.

She rolls the window down slowly much to Addison’s annoyance.

“You almost killed me.” 

“It’s not my fault you’re too jumpy. Now, are you gonna come out here and see the view or are you just gonna stay there and be all gloomy and shit all night?” Addison asks with a playful tone which earns her an eye roll from the younger woman.

“I think I feel more comfortable in the safety of your car, thanks” Meredith replies, as she buckles her own seatbelt back into place, placing both her hands on her lap after as she sits and looks straight ahead not giving the older woman any more of her attention.

Addison rolls her eyes and sighs exasperatedly, she didn’t bring her here to babysit her. She opens the passenger door and despite Meredith’s **extremely** loud protests, she unbuckles Meredith’s seatbelt and grabs a hold of the girl’s wrist, dragging her out of the car and into the open field.

"Let me fucking go! HELP! SOMEBODY! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED-" Meredith gets cut off by a palm on her mouth, muffling the sounds of her protests.

"Oh my God calm the fuck down!" Addison whisper-yells at the other woman, her right palm over the shorter girl's mouth while her left arm is draped around her waist to stop her from flailing around like a fish out of a pond. If Meredith wasn’t currently preoccupied with trying to yell for help, she probably would’ve panicked at the position they’re in.

"Holy shit you're loud! And quit squirming around, I’m not kidnapping you!” the redhead yells, holding the other woman down amidst her panic. “And besides, we're not alone. This is a popular place to go to at night, people go in here to fish sometimes!" she informs, pulling away from Meredith slowly, retracting the hand that was covering the intern's mouth as soon as she stops flailing.

The blonde relaxes. She did see other cars parked around the area close to them, but even still, she’s on high alert with this woman, she can’t let her guard down now. "I don't see any water in here, where would they fish?"

The taller woman bends one of her knees slightly and places a hand on her hip, signifying her annoyance but her face betrays her when an amused smirk appears in her features as she rolls her eyes. "You'll need to walk a few meters into the woods, there's a lake in the middle of it."

Meredith nods in cautious understanding, narrowing her eyes at the woman in front of her. She's onto her if she ever does something shady.

“It’s a nice lake but it’s not safe to trek in the middle of the night with no flashlights and gears. But maybe you can come check it out next time.” she adds with a smug smirk. The suggestion that this will not be the last time they drive here is heavily implied and causes an uncomfortably warm feeling at the pit of Meredith’s stomach. She wills herself to ignore it.

The younger woman simply nods with an ‘oh okay’ sound, and then she turns around to survey the area. There isn't much to see really, it’s much more a barren place than anything else but it’s also emanating a sense of calmness in the atmosphere. Plus, she notices the beautiful illumination of the fireflies encompassing the field, it’s nice. Addison sighs and moves to gather the things she pulled out of the trunk and places them on the hood of her car.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna try to kill you with all these art supplies." she reassures with a teasing smirk and hops onto the hood in one stride, showing familiarity in the action as if she's done this a million times before. She pats the spot next to her, inviting Meredith to sit but makes no move in helping her.

The younger woman complies, making her way onto the edge of the redhead’s car, glancing at her expectantly as she finds herself unable to get on top of it. She waits until Addison looks at her, patience teetering close to drawing thin as the attending finally acknowledges her but only gives her a raised eyebrow in response. 

She finds the redhead’s lips slowly curling up into a smug smile upon seeing the state she is in and she could not have wanted to punch her more than she does now. _God, is this your way of testing my patience_? She prays in her head as she glowers at the woman, nearly hissing at her. 

“What’s wrong Dr. Grey? Are you stuck on something? Why aren’t you coming up here?” the attending asks in mock concern, smiling cheekily at the woman in front of her. Meredith’s eye twitches, this woman is really doing her best to ruffle her feathers and what’s even more irritating is that she does it without any efforts.

“If you don’t wipe that stupid smug smile off your face, I will do it for you.” she replies as calmly as she can, attempting to come up the hood on her own but failing miserably. Addison simply looks at her with an amused smirk, not making a move to help or anything. Just continuing to push Meredith’s buttons.

Meredith tries again and fails and tries another time and fails, she can sense her own irritation rising up. She’s about 3 seconds away from leaving and just hike her way back home when she hears the other woman speak. “Do you need help getting up h-”

She gets cut off with Meredith’s hiss and annoyed glare and she relents, laughing hysterically at the other woman as she helps her up. The younger woman quickly situates herself, placing her elbows behind so she can use it to lean back and relax a little, staring up at the moonlit sky.

"Why did you bring me here?" She asks the redhead after a few minutes of silence.

"Why'd you willingly come without so much of a question?" Addison replies with a question of her own, she’s smirking, confident and challenging. The blonde just shrugs and says she's tired and didn't feel like arguing with her.

"So, why did you bring me here?" Meredith asks again, relaxed with her back on the hood of Addison's car and her gaze fixated on the movements of the clouds over the moon. The redhead takes a quick glance at the woman beside her who is not breaking her gaze at the moon.

"You didn't tell me the address of your house."

"You didn't ask."

"You didn't look like you wanted me to ask."

The silence that falls over them is neither uncomfortable nor comfortable, maybe it’s a neutral silence, they’re not sure but they don’t hate it.

"Do you want to paint?" Addison asks after another few minutes of silence, eyes fixated on the sky above her much like Meredith.

"I don't know how to paint." The blonde replied shortly, voice once again tired but not void of any interest. 

"Of course you do" Addison begins with a protest, turning her head to the side slightly to look at the blonde next to her as the other woman does the same. "Everybody knows how to paint."

Meredith chuckles because, well, because it's silly. The only painting she's ever done in her life was when she was 10 and it was a painting of a picture of her, her mom and her dad all happily eating breakfast together. Of course this was what 10-year old Meredith thought she had painted but her mother had described it as a horde of strange savages on a canvas. Her mother didn’t like the painting.

"I don't." She replies, looking straight into Addison's eyes.

"Yes, you do." Addison insists, getting up and opening the bag between them with almost a childish excitement and eagerness. "Don't be a Derek and just try it." She continues as she pulls out a variety of brushes from the bag and shoves them excitedly on Meredith’s hand who takes it tentatively. She pulls out a small sketchpad from the bag and places it between them as if hesitating between forcing her to do it or letting her decide, with an expectant look.

"What do I even paint?"

"Anything you want."

"It's not going to be good." 

"Does it matter if it's good or not?"

This makes Meredith pause. Does it really matter? Why **should** it matter? Meredith purses her lips and takes the watercolor sketchpad off of the hood's surface and onto her lap. 

Addison smiles, watching the girl next to her begin to work on the pad. She observes the tentative strokes that the other woman makes, the miscellany of colours she aggressively pushes on the paper and the concentration on her face. It’s quite the picturesque scene and she fights the urge to pull out her camera and take a picture to save this scene and this moment for however long she wants.

When the blonde finishes, she tries to take a peek into the work but Meredith just tilts the page so she doesn't see and when she tries to use her height to her advantage she gets pushed off by a giggling Meredith and pretty soon they're both giggling uncontrollably. It’s been awhile since they both have been in happy moments like this. This is a happy moment.

"Come on, just let me see it!" Addison pleads, showing her best puppy dog eyes which earns her an eye roll from Meredith. 

"No. It wouldn't make sense to you anyway" she mutters, continuing to place varying strengths of strokes onto her paper.

"That's the point of paintings! It doesn't have to make sense!" Addison exclaims, moving closer to the persistent woman to take a peak in futile attempts. "You could give me an art piece with 1 stroke and I'd find a thousand meanings behind it."

Meredith laughs at this and it's a real laugh. It surprises both of them. It's startling how easy they could get into situations that feel all too comfortable for them. Like it's something they've been doing together for a very long time.

They stay silent for a few more minutes, letting the chirping of the crickets and fireflies fill the silence between them until Addison starts to speak.

"I meant it when I said I was sorry, you know" Addison starts and she could see Meredith tensing at the corner of her eye and for a moment she's afraid Meredith is going to get mad again and stomp off.

But the intern only swallows a lump in her throat and she stays put, continuing to create strokes on the paper, letting her feelings drive her and the brush.

Addison takes this as a permission to continue.

"Not only for the ones I said earlier but for all of it." Addison starts, the words flowing through her mouth like a collection of needles piercing through Meredith's skin.

"I was out of line earlier and honestly, I got the reaction I wanted from you. I had intended to hurt you, but all it really did was leave me hollow. It sucks because I should be happy that I got to hurt my husband's mistress, the very woman who's slowly but surely taking pieces of him away from me. The woman who's intending to ruin 11 years of my marriage. But I was wrong. I'm not happy and I shouldn't have put the blame on you. So I'm sorry for that alone."

The way she uttered every syllable had seemed to pierce through Meredith's heart. The sincerity of it all, the softness in her tone, the fragility and vulnerability in her state. Addison is showing Meredith all of this and trusting her to see the side of her that could easily break.

It's not fair that this woman is so beautiful and kind. It's not fair that she's so respectable and smart and genuine. It's not fair that she's so hard to hate.

Meredith doesn't say anything, she doesn't need to and even if she did she wouldn't know what to say. It's not easy to forgive, especially not for Meredith. She's not ready to let her guard down and especially not for Addison.

"I'm sorry about everything else too. I know I've hurt you just by showing up. I know I've taken pieces of you, pieces that I don't know if I could give back or if I even know how to give back. I just- I never meant to- this isn't what was supposed to happen. I wanted to come here, take my husband and bring him back to New York with me for fuck's sake! I wanted to come here and try to restore the Addison and Derek that we once were. I didn't come here to ruin someone's life!" There was a beat. They both know what she's about to say, they both see it coming from miles away. She is about to break an unspoken rule between them and neither could do anything to stop it.

"I didn't come here to be **_your_ ** soulmate."

And that is meant to be an apology, it really is. An explanation, an elaboration of just how much she's affected the life of the young intern. A critical analysis of the life that Addison has stolen and replaced with something unknown from Meredith. Relief washes through the blonde’s body because finally, they don't have to dance around the tides anymore. It's out there now and it's too late to deny or pretend it's not happening.

"To be fair, I did plan on seeing my soulmate that night. I just didn't expect to find that the devil- I mean- **_you_ **, are my soulmate." Meredith jokes and there is no malice in her tone. 

“So the devil really does wear Prada huh.”

“And a stethoscope.”

The budding uncomfortable tension that once was in their radius dissipates quickly as the sound of Addison's laughter drowns them out. And Meredith laughs along because really, this woman's laugh is contagious, she can’t help it even if she wanted to. 

And so they laugh until they can't anymore because what's there left to do in a barren land in the middle of nowhere, just the mistress and the wife propped up on the hood of her car with nothing but art and the moon around them?

It’s a strange scene to witness. And an even stranger moment when Meredith thinks about it. Derek had come to her, apologizing so tenderly and so faintly she almost didn't catch it. He didn’t try to clarify, he didn’t try to chase after her, instead, he left without so much as an explanation or a clarification. It had seemed like his apology had been centered on himself. It felt very self serving and yet Meredith yearned for him. She wanted, almost desperately, for him to turn on his heels, come back to her and explain and maybe they’ll run off somewhere. But he didn’t.

And yet, here is Addison. She came with every intent on stomping all over Meredith, to tell her to stay away from her husband, to be unapologetically ruthless and cruel but all of that plan crumbles. She ends up apologizing, trying her best to make Meredith understand how deeply apologetic she was and Meredith had wanted none of that.

Still, Addison didn’t relent, she pushed her, she challenged her, she chased after her and drove her somewhere unfamiliar, somewhere liberating, somewhere that will lift a weight off her shoulders and somewhere where she can listen to her apology without any distraction. Addison didn’t try to pretend everything was fine, she didn’t dare assume Meredith would just forgive her, she had made an effort for her.

She’ll never admit it but she’s grateful for it. She’s grateful that Addison is there and she is making her laugh and feel light despite everything.

This, whatever this is tonight, doesn't make them friends. Not even close to that. But it does alleviate some of the tension they’ve built up with each other, a weight lifted off their shoulders at the thought that they don't have to try and hate each other anymore. Not when it doesn't, never has it, felt right.

Meredith hadn’t even noticed Addison hopping off the hood of her car to retrieve some snacks and drinks until she saw her holding out a bottle of energy drink towards her and a bag of potato chips laying in between them.

She takes the bottle and examines it for a moment, curiosity and confusion evident in her features. She looks up at the taller woman to ask, “Energy drinks?”.

“I’m glad you still know how to read a label, Grey.” Addison retorts as she shimmies her way back onto the hood of her car and the younger woman rolls her eyes.

“I meant, why are we drinking energy drinks at almost midnight?”

“Why not?”

“It’s almost midnight!”

“So?”

“Are you just gonna answer all my questions with a question?”

“You’re the one answering my question with a question”

“Well, that's- I'm-” Meredith stumbles on her words, unable to formulate a coherent retort as Addison's smile grows infuriatingly wider.

Meredith huffs and throws a potato chip at Addison who's cheek is now hurting from the huge smirk placated on her face. Somehow, Meredith’s inability to formulate a coherent response is entertaining to Addison and she’s not surprised per say, just maybe a lot more than a little annoyed.

“You are the worst!” the blonde exclaims as she shoves Addison’s shoulder slightly, a smile formulating on her face despite her annoyance.

“Hey, you gotta admit, I got you good.” Addison replies, taking a handful of potato chips and shoving them in her mouth.

Meredith looks at her in mock disgust. “You’re disgusting and I hate you.” the blonde says, narrowing her eyes at the woman who is still munching on her potato chips without a care in the world.

Addison shrugs, “Eh, you’ll get over it soon.” her words are muffled by the horde of unswallowed potato chips in her mouth. “And-” the older woman says before swallowing the rest of her potato chips to clear her airway.

“I know you don’t really hate me.” Addison finishes with a smug smile, gulping huge amounts of energy drink without faltering that annoying ass smirk. Meredith simply rolls her eyes and places her energy drink on the hood, unopened. She’s not about to lose more sleep and besides, she has an early shift tomorrow.

“I wish I did.” Meredith says with a sigh, moving to lay on her back and look up at the sky. Addison does the same and pretty soon both women are looking up.

“Me too.” Meredith hadn’t expected a reply coming from the other woman. She looks to her left to see Addison not breaking eye contact with the stars above her.

“Why don’t you hate me Meredith?” _Is it because I’m supposed to be your soulmate?_ Is left unasked and therefore unanswered.

Meredith sighs as she turns away to look up at the sky. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just numb to all feelings now.” she answers and it’s not a particularly good or definitive answer but it’s still something.

Addison hums in reply, she squints a little as if to think through her next words. "I wish that you did. Because at least then there's one of us that hates the other. I can’t bring myself to hate you no matter how hard I try. And I’ve tried. Hard."

"Then you're not trying hard enough" This earns her a chuckle from the attending.

"Maybe not. I'm sorry."

Meredith shifts her whole body so she’s facing the woman next to her. Addison makes no move.

“I did try to make you hate me, so points for my effort I guess.” she jokes and Meredith smiles cheekily. She doesn’t know why they’re talking to each other like this. She doesn’t understand this progression, this disgusting mushiness they find themselves in. To Meredith’s horror, she thinks that maybe they’re progressing to becoming friends. God, she hopes not.

For tonight, she blames it all on the exhaustion. Maybe she should’ve drank that energy drink after all.

“You did a pretty great job at that actually. Maybe too good of a job that you’ve completely numbed me down.”

“I went a little overboard.”

“You did.”

They stay in that position for a few more minutes, Meredith’s eyelids getting heavier as more time passes. She almost gives in to her sleepiness when Addison shifts her position to mimic Meredith’s so that now they’re both facing each other.

“I have a feeling there’s something you want to ask me. If so, this is the time to ask away now.” this wakes Meredith up. She doesn’t really think she has anything to ask Addison or even to say to her. She thinks this is just the attending’s way of looking and sounding like a guru, wise and inquisitive. She still indulges in it though, pondering on the questions in her head.

“Why am I not getting assigned to any services with you?” the question slips off of Meredith’s mouth without a thought.

This catches Addison off guard, she didn’t think Meredith actually had any question. To be honest, she just asked so that Meredith has something to think about before she could fully go to sleep. She doesn’t feel like dragging the intern’s limp, sleeping body off of the hood of her car and shoving it in the backseat.

But it’s a good question nonetheless.

“I asked Miranda to get you off my services for the remainder of the year.” she answers honestly.

“Asked?” Meredith raises one eyebrow, already catching the bullshit in Addison’s statement.

“Okay, it very well could have possibly looked more like begging to others who may not have the full context. But in my defence, I did it with incredible poise and confidence.” the taller woman tries to justify and this earns her a light chuckle from the woman before her.

“Uhuh, okay” Meredith replies, obviously unconvinced and Addison feels compelled to defend herself from the mockery. “Okay, if you miss me that much then I’ll ask - **not beg** \- Bailey again to have the remainder of your internship assigned to me and only me, the best teacher you could get!”

Meredith laughs at this, her head thrown back while her body relaxes at the sound of Addison’s weird ramblings. “I know you're thick headed and oh-so-great but you know that I’m not gonna specialize in fetal surgery right? And besides, what about Izzie?” she’s unable to stop herself from asking.

“What about her?” and for some reason, this just makes Meredith laugh even more. Despite Addison’s confusion, she laughs along and makes corny jokes in the middle.

They don’t stay like that for long as Addison suggested they should head back right away. The taller woman helps Meredith come down from the hood without asking and as soon as the intern’s feet lands and is set on the ground she sees it happening.

She sees Addison’s eyes glow and in turn, she sees her own eyes glow in the reflection of her eyes. What sets this moment apart from all the other moments they had with the soul mark acting up is that this is happening in a proximity they’re unfamiliar with.

Meredith leaning back onto the hood of Addison’s car and Addison standing so close to her it’s almost suffocating. It’s new. There’s so much detail up close, there are swirls of varying colours in her eyes, its state changing at every instant that Meredith makes the slightest of moves. She wonders if Addison sees the same.

“I think I know why some people might find it in their best interest to chase after a soulmate now.“ Addison whispers, her voice so thick and low. She thinks she wouldn’t be able to hear it if they weren’t this up close to each other.

Meredith simply nods, throat dry as she tries to swallow whatever moisture is left in it. And just like that, Addison steps back and away from her. For a minute she was afraid Addison would run away, but she didn't. Instead, she opens the passenger door for her and beckons her to get in.

Once situated inside the car, Meredith replays the way the colours in Addison’s eyes dance around her irises, how it changes at her slightest movements, how it seems to always follow her even if it’s not seeing her.

Addison gets into her car once she’s finished clearing up everything and shoving them into her trunk. She starts the engine without much of a sound and drives away. 

They don’t look at each other, not because they don’t want to or because they don’t want to acknowledge the marks, they’re already past that point.

No, it’s more than that. Looking at each other will leave them with an unsettling feeling at the pit of their stomachs, something they’re not ready to face just yet.

So they drive home. They sit in silence, eyes vibrant with its everlasting glow, dangerous and unrelenting. 

They’re going back. Back to reality, back to her couch, back to her horror movies and back to believing that Seattle is a boring ass city with nothing to offer but rains and thunderstorms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hey, glad you finished this 2-parter update! Please let me know what you think and how you feel about this... progression. And I didn't do another read through of this so if there are any devastating mistakes, ignore them.
> 
> Also, my friend converted my posie ass to henelope so to anyone who might like henelope or legacies, I might post a henelope fic someday...


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